Fuckbook, Hobbes, team up with libertarian lapdog to enslave humanity, claims hippie munchkin

Millions of twenty-something nogoodniks briefly paused in their monomanically self-absorbed existences this morning, as they listened with cocked ears to the emerging news that their favourite shenanigan playground, Fuckbook,might actually be a front for the robot neo-conservatives, who are aiming to enslave humanity and prove that The Matrix was, like, you know, true. 

The allegation was made by Bob Bobbington, a gentleman threshold farmer, erotic scholar and editor of the publication Oh, Lazy Cocks. Bobbington claimsthat the lion’s share of the dough for keeping servers happy at Fuckbook is actually provided by bald, white-cat-stroking, dashing-scar-wearing darling of the ‘Fuck me ‘cos I’ll allow to snot whatever you want’ school of Valley capitalism, Dick ‘Running Dog’ Ripper. 

In a series of increasingly hysterical screeds written on the freshly-drained blood of some humanely-killed chickens, Bobbington claimed that ripper was backed by a ‘shadowy cartel’ (although sources say is first draft actually read ‘shoddy cart’) of secret US government operatives, Wall Street bankers and the actor Paul Nicholas, who in addition to providing seed capital also participated in a ritual emanating from the KumKwickly tribe of North Dakota, to donate their own seed in very very small phials, to be used in a transcendental experiment to resurrect gloomy civil servant and thug theorist Thomas Hobbes, in order to provide intellectual cover for the whole shebang of getting people to share their jockstrap and cup-sizes in the form of zeros and ones carried by electronic pulses, while all they get in return in adverts. Cocking adverts. With tits in them. 

When contacted for comment via his Fuckbook page, Hobbes said, “Fuck that man. I’ve been poking that fucker Rousseau for days now, and no joy. And that prick Engels will not stop bitchslapping me.” 

Hyper-evolved 10-somethings everywhere responded in this same way when asked for comment: “Bobbington has been let down by downshifting, seeing as the countryside, while promising oodles of grassburn sex, has merely been one long carriage of organic agricultural shite!”

Ripper is 40, and despite his libertarian beliefs, lives on state handouts of tuppence a day.